Midlife and...Anxious

 Growing up the term "anxiety" was not part of my vernacular.  Sure I got anxious over special events, riding a scary ride nothing major.  Anxiety was not a feeling, a set back, an emotion I ever had to deal with until well into adulthood.  When I first started experiencing symptoms I didn't not know at the time it was anxiety.  I thought it was just stress.  I only ever experienced these symptoms at work.  I never thought my job was that bad but the tightening in my chest, the sharp pain in my heart was becoming more frequent and with its frequency it was becoming much more sharp and painful.  I shrugged it off, equating it with a "bad day," or being overwhelmed with work responsibility.  Again, it wouldn't be until years later that I understood what that feeling was.  After about 5-6 years of dealing with this pain and thinking I was going to have a heart attack at any moment I was laid off from my job.  It took me a month or two to process what had happened to my everyday work life, but when I did and the dust settled I recognized that I had not had any of those chest pains since before being laid off.  It was amazing to live my life everyday without the sharp pains in my chest and believing I was going to die.  

Nine years flew by with barely any chest pains.  Then March 2020 happened and suddenly the world changed.  There was a virus we didn't know much about.  Schools were cancelled.  My kids were home barely holding it together as days passed.  We were quarantined at home.  Grocery stores were running out of food and supplies.  I felt like everything in my life was beginning to come apart.  We have no family where we live except each other.  We don't have a tight community of friends where we live.  I would speak with my mom, whom I believe wasn't being as serious about this virus as I was, and that really bothered me.  She would tell me stupid things like "they say no gatherings of 10 or more people so we have only 9 so we are good." For Real?!?!?!  My mind was exploding.  I became the parent.  I lectured my  mom, I sent her articles.  She didn't know anybody who had it, about 2 months in we already had friends who contracted the virus.  Then I found out my mother was having family members lie to me, asking them not to post photos on social media, and withhold details of whats happening at their house.  Im grateful for being told the truth but I also wish I did not know.  I mean what good is that going to do for me, I live an ocean away.  And just like that, the tightening in my chest, the sharp pain in my heart started again.

I felt lonely, disappointed, scared, depressed, angry, and completely and utterly out of control.  I tried my hardest to keep it together.  I had 3 kids at home barely doing any school work, tag teaming counselors from three schools, managing my kids clearly, visible anxiety and depression.  I was a hiccup away from losing it.  My mind was crumbling and I then realized I had anxiety.  Horrible, crippling anxiety (and probably depression).  I managed it with a major wine indulgence.  Was I awake?  Wine time.  Is it 3pm?  Wine time.  Is it Happy Hour?  Wine time.  It was wine time whenever I felt like it because it made my life feel "normal."  It made the pain go away.  It made me feel less sad.  Less angry.  Less depressed.  It was awful.

I admitted to myself that I had horrible anxiety, I felt like a cliche.  Stay at home, kids home all day, suddenly having to be their teacher, no alone time, day drinking rose and anxiety.  For fucks sake!  

Then life kicked it up a notch.  I realized I was in the throws of perimenopause.  Great, what else did I have coming my way.  My anxiety worsened.  I had all the anxious feeling and emotions, plus suffering from night sweats and belly weight gain.  Life was going great.  The anxiety heightened daily until the kids were released for summer break.  I still had many of the same feelings but it wasn't so bad now that I no longer had to deal with schools.  The day drinking disappeared and I got rid of all the wine in my house.  Months later, the anxiety crept back and I now was clenching my jaw at night.  This is all anxiety I recognize it now.  I spent the next school year totally unhappy with my life.  Two kids refused to go back to school and were homeschooled and one started high school doing remote school and did terribly.  Although, my anxiety came back with a vengeance, I recognized it for what it was and was 100% able to manage it.  Day-to-day life was better then the prior school year, but it wasn't perfect.  I like to keep things to myself and deal with it on my own and I absolutely did.  Finding a therapist was not an option because I learned everyone in the world was dealing with anxiety and loneliness and therapist were booked!  I slowly started seeing friends, I visited family in Hawaii these interactions did wonders for my  mental health.  It made me feel seen and loved and I could love on my friends and family.  I cried a lot.  

I'm still managing my anxiety.  It's no longer as bad as it was nearly 2 years ago.  I think its not just because I've learned to manage mental health but there is no a little more understanding of what is happening in this wild world we are living in.  So much happened in 2020.  People got crazy and I felt like everything was out of control. Out of my control.  It's better now.  I don't think my anxiety will be going away any time soon but I can read the queues.  I prioritize my well being before anything else these days and it helps a lot.  

Being midlife and recognizing my anxiety has been a handful and a half.  Somedays I don't even think i'm in the right headspace.  And it's ok.  Everything is ok and will continue to be ok.